JOKES

[hammerdown63]

Mad Wife Disease

A guy is sitting quietly reading his newspaper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for"? he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it", she replied.

"Oh that was when I went to the races. Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry", she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation".

Three days later he was watching a ball game when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "what the heck was that for"?

She replied, "your horse called"!

[hammerdown63]

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[hammerdown63]

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm... so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[boneshaker214]

guts or balls ?

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.


In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

[derbyman521]

Feb 16, 2012 15:35:19 GMT -5 boneshaker214 said:

guts or balls ?

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.


In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

LMAO thanks for clearing it up for me ;D

[derbyman521]

The IRS sent my tax return back again!!! I guess it was because of the responce to my question; "List all dependents" I replied "12 million illegal immagrants, 3 million crackheads, 42 million unemployable people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisions, and 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate". Apparently, this is not an acceptable answer

[derbyman521]

My teacher pointed at me with a ruler and said "At the end of this ruler is an idiot"

I got detention after i asked which end!!

[hammerdown63]

Annie was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Joe. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Joe's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
‘On a woman,’ the doctor said, ‘your heart would be just below your left breast.’
Later that night, Annie was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[hammerdown63]

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.

The barman comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"
One of them says to the barman, "I'll bet you a pitcher of you finest beer that I can lick my eye."

The barman says, "I've had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I'll take that bet."
So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket.

The barman says, "darn, you got me."
He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.

When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you gentlemen ready for another?"
The same guy answers, "I'll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear."

The barman hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy's left ear, his right ear, and says, "There's no way you've got an artificial ear. I'll take that bet."

The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth.

The barman says, "darn, you got me again."
He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.

A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, "I'll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away."

The barman says, "It'll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can't do it."
He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.

The drunk whips out his thingy and pisses all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor.

The barman picks up the two $100 bills, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, "I just made $100 so I'm smiling, you just lost $100, why are you smiling?"

The drunk says, you see they guy over there I've been drinking with all this time?
I just bet him $1, 000 that I could come over here,piss all over the bar, and that you'd wipe it up with a smile on your face.

[hammerdown63]

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bit<h" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bit<h and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my thingy".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and thingy mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "$hit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fu<k" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bit<hes and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the $hit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fu<king the turkey!

[farr66]

How do you know when too much torque is too much? When you go to pee first thing in the morning and you push down and your feet fly out from under you and you hit your head on the toilet.That is too much torque